Easy Solutions

[Kammeh!]

Easy Solutions #1


So, you're in love with one of your friends, but she has a boyfriend and probably wouldn't have sex with you anyway.

What you will need: 1 x knife, 1 x ring, access to a sunbed, the ability to grow a beard.

Step One: Place the ring on your wedding finger and avoid contact with your friend for a month.

Step Two: Stop shaving and use the sunbed to gain a tan.

Step Three: After a month when your beard is full and your tan is noticeable, remove the ring from your finger.

Step Four: Remove all your clothes and break into your friend's house.

Step Five: Use the knife to cut your body in various places. Avoid the face. If possible, focus on your back. The more blood the better.

Step Six: Enter your friend's bedroom and lie face down on the floor. Wait for her return.

Step Seven: When she enters the room pretend to be unconscious. Allow her to turn you over and try to wake you for a few seconds before you open your eyes. The injuries to your body will serve as a distraction to your nakedness. She will be more concerned about your wellbeing instead of fearing the naked man in her room.

Step Eight: When she asks you what's happened you should ignore her questions. Instead you must act confused and ask the date. If it's September 15th she will say 'September 15th' to which you must reply 'No, what year is it?'

Step Nine: Upon hearing the year say the words 'It worked.' Pretend to lose consciousness again for a few seconds, implying that whatever it is that has worked took a great effort.

Step Ten: If your friend is a curious person she will probably ask 'What worked?', even if she doesn't ask this question it is important that you now say the words '(Insert Friend's Name), I'm from the future' in your most deadpan voice.

Step Eleven: Pause for ten seconds to allow the incrediblness of the situation to sink in. There will be no reason for her to doubt your claim, because your beard will make you appear many years older and your cuts would add weight to the idea that you've come from a post-apocalyptic future where a war is currently taking place.

Step Twelve: Raise your left hand to your face. All women are very observant, so your friend will immediately notice the tanline on your wedding finger. If she is educated to a decent standard she will realise that you are married and your ring has simply disappeared, because clothing and other items cannot travel through time. Your nudity will support this.

Step Thirteen: Now comes the hard part - The monologue. In your own words you must give a speech in which you mention all of these key points:

a) You are married to each other in the future
b) Her current boyfriend is dead
c) The world is coming to an end. It's up to you to pick a reason, but I would recommend a war against machines. This whole situation will be backed up by the Terminator franchise
d) In the future your relationship is not going well
e) You've come back in time because you can't help but feel that she would have been happier with her current boyfriend if he hadn't been killed
f) Her current boyfriend is going to be hit by a bus on a day six months from her present. She should stop him going to work that day
g) If she does exactly what you say this current version of yourself will be erased and you will never get married. If she questions this flaw in your time travel logic, because you cannot change the past, simply reference Back to the Future

Step Fourteen: Unless your friend is made of stone she will now be overcome by emotion, especially at your selflessness. Get to your feet and go to kiss her goodbye. It is important that you do this with the confidence of a man who has done this to her many times.

Step Fifteen: There is now no possible way that you aren't about to have sex with her. You're naked, kissing her, in her bedroom, agreeing to erase a version of yourself from history to make her happy. And as far as she knows you've had sex many times in a future that will no longer happen, so she thinks to herself that maybe she should have one memory of it.

Step Sixteen: After having the sex, ask to borrow some clothes then leave.

Step Seventeen: Shave off your beard and coat your wedding finger in fake tan. Carry on as if nothing has happened. There will be three possible outcomes:

1) During the sex some feelings that she didn't know existed are awakened and she will leave her boyfriend for you.
2) Life will carry on as normal.
3) You will be filled with guilt because of this moral grey area where you aren't entirely sure if what you've done counts as some kind of low level rape. You will take your own life by hanging, overdose or wrist cutting.

[Kammeh!]

Easy Solutions #2

So, you want to kiss your sexy neighbour, but you've never even said hello.

What you will need: 1 x computer with photoshop, 1 x printer, 1 x A4 envelope, 1 x black pen, 1 x red pen, 1 x stamp, 1 x pot of extra strength glue, 1 x photo of yourself with a lady.


Step One: Use your computer to photoshop Angelina Jolie's head onto the lady's body in your photograph. If you are unable to do this, seek the assistance of a ten year old child.

Step Two: Print out the photo, place it in a frame and hang it in your hallway.

Step Three: Use your computer to write a script for a short Hollywood film. Put all of your effort into it, because although it will probably never get made, you might discover that you have a hidden talent.

Step Four: Print out two copies of the script and place them in the envelope. Write your name and address on the envelope using the black pen. Then, using the red pen, write the words "Confidential" and "Urgent" in bold capital letters. Exclamation marks are optional.

Step Five: Lick the stamp and stick it on the top right hand corner of the envelope.

Step Six: On Saturday morning stand outside your neighbour's house until the postman arrives. As soon as he posts your neighbour's letters run up to her door and post your envelope.

Step Seven: Return home and glue your letterbox shut.

Step Eight: Pretty soon your neighbour will discover your envelope and she will immediately bring it to the correct address, because of the bold red writing. She will be unable to simply post it through your letterbox, because you have glued it shut. When she knocks your door, answer it.

Step Nine: When she hands you the envelope say the words "Oh, thank God. I was worried I wasn't going to get this in time before Monday." The "Confidential" written on the envelope will have made her curious, so she may ask what the envelope contains.

Step Ten:Even if she doesn't, casually announce that it's just the script for a new film you're starring in with Angelina Jolie. While your neighbour is being impressed mention that you've just opened a bottle of wine. Ask her if she would like a glass. You won't need to have a bottle ready. She will automatically decline, because it's Saturday morning, but it will make you appear artistic, because only creative types drink wine in the morning.

Step Eleven: There's a 50/50 chance that she will now ask if you know Angelina Jolie. Even if she doesn't ask this question it is important that you now point her towards the photograph hanging in your hallway, thus causing her to enter your house.

Step Twelve: Whilst she is looking at the photo, open the envelope and say the words "Why have they sent me two?"

Step Thirteen: After she is done admiring the photograph say the words "Hey, you wouldn't mind running through a few scenes with me, would you?" She will be reluctant to decline, because she's already declined your offer of wine and won't want to seem rude, especially to a man who she now believes to be an associate of a top movie star.

Step Fourteen: Take her into the living room and tell her that you aren't in many of the early scenes, so you should start with the final act.

Step Fifteen: After she's read a few lines, compliment her by saying "You're very good. Have you done any acting before?" This will put her at ease.

Step Sixteen: Now, if you've written your script correctly, you will have included a climax where you and Angelina Jolie's character kiss. It's Hollywood writing 101. Upon reading the direction notes of this scene your neighbour will instinctively be reluctant to kiss a man she's only just met on a Saturday morning.

Step Seventeen: However, before she says the words "We don't have to kiss, do we?" she will start to think about Angelina Jolie and her lips. All women have the exact same strong feelings about Angelina Jolie, and no matter what they say, it is thinly veiled jealousy. Your neighbour will start to wonder about you kissing Angelina Jolie on Monday. At first she will realise that this is her one opportunity to beat Angelina Jolie by being a better kisser. Then she will imagine the kiss chain from her, to you, to Angelina Jolie, to Brad Pitt. This will seal the deal in her mind.

Step Eighteen: When your neighbour moves her mouth close to your's, begin to kiss her. Mission accomplished.

Step Nineteen(Optional): If you want to take a risk, you can make your script about a man who kisses his neighbour by doing this exact thing. Your neighbour might appreciate the Charlie Kauffman quality to it. It's a good way to come clean and rid yourself of the guilt. If she admires your efforts you might enter into a love affair. Sadly this step will only work 60% of the time.

Notes: Women can use this tutorial by simply replacing the photo of Angelina Jolie with Johnny Depp.

[Marie]

Haha n1

[Uncle~Meat]

have u seen your analyst lately Kam? :D

[Some_Mate]

2 months! \o/ lol :)

[Nightmare]

lol'd, you smoke weed or something? xD

[aximon]

He should